Creating Favorable Agreements isn’t Just About Getting Someone’s Sign-off
Divorce is not easy…
No matter what the circumstances, but beyond the complex emotional and financial hurdles, divorcing couples must negotiate within the confines of a broken system. The rules of the game, so to speak, are often not what you've assumed them to be. You're dealing with one of life's most painful detours and I'm here to tell you that the rules are rigged in a way that makes it even harder than you thought.
Don't turn on the Netflix and grab the Haagen Dazs just yet, because today there are a growing number of divorce professionals passionate about changing the game and helping women problem-solve their way to a life they love. There are also a few simple strategies women can employ to positively impact their situation as it relates to creating favorable agreements.
The first is to tweak your thinking. There is a common misconception that “if I could just get my ex to sign this (favorable agreement) things will be ok because then he/she will have to do what I'm asking.” In reality though, an agreement (or even a court order) is only as good as the parties' level of buy-in to what they're signing. Without a real underlying commitment to follow that agreement, the question soon turns to, "But doesn't he/she have to follow our agreement?" Unfortunately, too often the answer is not necessarily. One of the flaws in our current system is the infrequency with which agreements are effectively enforced.
Here’s why:
The win isn’t getting your ex to sign a favorable agreement, it’s getting your ex to concur that the agreement you've reached is the best roadmap to move the two of you forward. If someone believes they have been duped into signing an agreement, that they would not have agreed had they known all the facts, had all the information, or realized all the options available. The end result? It’s going to be much tougher, if not impossible, to maintain their cooperation.
The only way we avoid compliance issues is by building enduring agreements. The resolution must satisfy the needs of both parties sufficiently that both are motivated to honor the promises they've made. This is not always an easy task, especially when the parties have seemingly competing interests.
So how do we create durable agreements?
We must equalize any power imbalance that may exist between the parties. And there is usually is an inequality, particularly when it comes to financial knowledge. We must also establish that both parties are negotiating with full knowledge of all the facts and options available so they don't wake up the next morning with "buyer's remorse" about the promises they've made. When both parties are on equal footing, and they know it, then a real discussion can take place and an agreement can be drafted that has teeth.
This is just one of the many reasons why it’s critical to seek out professionals who not only possess the skills and experience necessary to successfully promote your positions, but one who understand that advocating for you means helping you identify the right questions to ask. It means ensuring you understand what your attorney, mediator, or the court system can and cannot do for you. It often means giving you an education in any area where your lack of relevant knowledge puts you at a disadvantage. A professional who can offer a collaborative team ready to answer any question (legal, financial, real estate, lending, insurance, education, career, psychology, pets, special needs, et al.) is a professional who can empower you to find the opportunities in this moment that will allow you to thrive.
Special thanks to Rebecca S. Kaufman, JD, CPM of the Pearl Mediation Group for this exceptional guest blog!
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